The Goodness of God

Ocotber is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I would imagine that if I were to ask any of you that are reading this right now you could either name someone or maybe you are the someone that has experienced this disease. I found my first lump in 2009;I was 36 years old. I had never, ever performed a self breast exam before and I had never had a mammogram before. The only time I was checked was when I went for my yearly exam with my gynecologist. I remember being in the shower one night and for some reason I thought to myself, "Maybe I should just do a quick self-exam like I hear and read about." So, I did. I instantly felt something on my right breast. I didn't neccesarily feel upset or worried, but I knew that I should contact my doctor soon. I waited about a week, checking on that same area periodically. I wanted to make sure that what I felt was really there and it wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me. Sure enough, the lump stayed with me. It was the Summer of 2009 and my son and husband were leaving for a Scout trip to Canada, my daughter was 8 years old at the time and at home with me. I scheduled my appointment with my doctor and then from there he ordered a mammogram and then a sonongram. By this time my husband and son had left so I relied on my parents to help me out. They were a great support. I was scared, but hopeful. When I first heard the term "needle biopsy" my stomach was in my throat. The procedure was degrading and painful and it took almost a week to get the results. The not knowing is the worst part. I remember praying and asking God to protect me and heal me, but more importantly that His will be done. I finally got the results back late on a Friday afternoon; it was not cancer!!! I was elated but I felt guilty at the same time. I knew that at that same moment I was thanking God for my test results there was another woman crying out to God about her own because she had not been given the same news that I had. Even though I did not have cancer I still had to have a lumpectomy on the right breast to remove what is called a Phyllodes tumor. A Phyllodes tumor is a rare breast tumor that starts in the connective tissue of the breast. Most of these tumors are benign (not cancer) but 1 out of 4 of these tumors are malignant (cancer). I was so blessed and happy that my phyllodes tumor was benign. After my lumpectomy I started having yearly mammograms and until 2021, I had been getting an all clear, so to speak from my doctor. I have a confession to make-even though I found that lump in 2009 doing a self breast exam I have to admit, I was not very good about continuing those exams after my surgery. Fast forward to 2019 where I missed my regularly scheduled mammogram was cancelled due to COVID and then in 2020 I didn't go either. In July of 2021 I went to my mammogram. I was expecting what I had heard the last 10 years or so;"Everything looks normal. See you in a year!" Unfortunately, that is not the news that I recieved. I had my mammogram and soon after I received a phone call telling me that they saw something "suspicious" and I needed to come back in for further testing. Ok, I thought, no problem. I am a teacher so this was actually good timing I thought because I could get this all done and over with before school started. I had also just recently agreed to co-direct the musical at the highschool in my district and I was in a musical in a local community theater and a part of a local singing group too. I was deifinitely too busy for this to be anything significant! Well, after several more imaging tests it was decided that I needed a needle biopsy. Ugh! I really didn't want to go through with that again, but I knew that I had no choice. I explained this to my family and reassured them that I didn't think it was anything to worry about, but secretly I felt like it may be a little more involved than what I had went through in 2009. I prayed, I sang, I asked God that no matter what happened to me to just be at my side. And He was. I had 12 cores taken with a core needle biopsy and a metal clip placed on the mass that had been found. When the needle biopsy results were in I was told that I had something called Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia and further surgery was needed. No God, I don't have time for this surgery! Remember, I have a musical to help with, I am IN a musical, I am a memebr of a singing group that needs me, one of my co-workers has COVID and the other teacher and I are trying to pick up her workload too, school has just started, etc...... I was full of excuses as to why this surgery was going to be more than just a little set back. Isn't it funny how when things start to happen to us physically or especially with our health we realize just how much we AREN'T taking very good care of ourselves, not only physically but emotionally too? I met with the breast surgeon and she told me that I would have blood work and a microchip put in place two weeks before the surgery. I really had to laugh at the idea of a microchip inside one of my breasts! I guess if they REALLY need to know what that left one is doing all the time, than so be it! LOL I took a 1/2 day off of school and went for that procedure. I knew that this was non-invasive and I would be able to return to work with no issues. However, as they were extracting the needle from me a vein was nicked and I started bleeding all over the place. I remember sitting there wondering how that much blood could come out of a hole that small! The bleeding was finally stopped and I left there with a huge bruise and a large hematoma inside of me. I was just praying that I would heal before my suregery in two weeks. I had planned on being gone from school for 3 days, and if you are a teacher you know that whether it is 1 day or 1 week the amount of stuff that you have to plan takes twice as long to arrange! In the midst of all of this the musical that I was in ended, I had to step down from the musical I was helping with and I had to step down from the singing group that I ws a part of as well. The surgeon had told me that with ADH(atypical ductal hyperplasia) the in 20% of the cases it is already cancer but even if it wasn't cancer I would still have to meet with her after surgery to discuss my risk factors or preventitive measures that I may have to take to ensure that this does not reoccur. I do not like to tell people no, especially when it has to do with music or the arts, but I knew I needed to for my own health. I couldn't give 100% to either organization with this health issue looming before me. October 4th, 2021 was the day of my suregery. My husband took me to the hospital and the suregery lasted about 60 minutes. The doctor removed the mass and some surrounding tissue, including the metal clip and the microchip. During the surgery however, she told my husband that she also nicked a vein but stitched it up along with everything else. Th pathology report came back that confirmed yes I had Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia, but it was benign. I felt relieved and yet guilty again. Relieved that I didn't have cancer, guilty that I didn't have cancer. I know too many people who have had cancer, who have lost their lives to cancer or who are fighting the battle of this disease even as I type these words. Why God? Why was I spared? I have thought and prayed a lot about this. I have said this before and I will say it again, Cancer does not come from God. Cancer is a disease of this fallen world that we all live in. The human side of eternity is not guaranteed to be without disease or famine or disasters. I know that God knows what is going to happen to us before it even happens and yes, I do believe that he is still a God of miracles. So some may ask, then why can't he stop ALL cancer and ALL types of disasters from occuring to everyone?! I truly believe that God is all loving and all powerful and that He can cross over to this side of eternity to help us. Why doesn't it happen every time? Why did my aunt die in her early 40's of breast cancer, when she was a God fearing christian? Why did my best friend's one and only sweet precious child die at the age of 7 from cancer? Why? Why? Why? I don't have the answer to those questions. But I do know that no matter what the circumstance, no matter what the storm God has a purpose for you being a part of it. You might be saying, "Well, that is easy for you to say because you don't have cancer." You are correct in saying that I don't have cancer. You are incorrect in thinking that any of this was or is easy. Our lives are full of moments of tragedy whether they are made known to the world or not. The storms of life are ever raging. I would much rather be walking on the stormy sea next to my savior than sitting in the boat experiencing nothing, whether it is good or bad. I think that good can come out of just about everything. It may not be made known to us until we reach the OTHER side of glory, but I believe it to be true. One of the ways that I connect with God is through music and it always amazes me just how timely He is. I love CeCe Winans and I was listening to a new song of hers when the next song that played from my music app started it just felt like a punch in the gut. The words were so powerful and true. I listened to it over and over again. I started listening to it every morning on my way to work. I listened to it in the bathroom as I was getting ready in the morning. I shared it and had others listen to it. The Goodness of God-think about the goodness in your life, however small it may be. Is there some there? That is the work and blessing of God. My jouney is not over yet. I still have my follow-up appointment with my surgeon to hear my full report. I may have to have more testing, more surgery, take medication, I am not really sure. The one thing that I do know is that "as long as I have breath I will sing of the Goodness of God!" Please go for your regularly scheduled mammogram and please do self exams often. Here is a link with more information. Blessings-Nicole https://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/breast-cancer-facts